http://www.adamsavenuedesign.com/sculpture-unique/
Can anybody read my short essay and tell me what do you thing?
My topic is write the things that you like in the New york city.
.Please read it and make corrections if you have any other ideas please add them. Thanks for help.
Intro: New York city is the largest city in the United States, the home of the United nations, and the center of global finance,communications and business. New York city is unusual among cities because of its high residential density. My thesis: Additionaly, New York city is among my favorite places because all the things that I like is there this include National monuments,diversity of people and many attractions.
Topic sentence 1: First of all,the thing that I like is the statue of liberty. It gives universal symbol of freedom and democracy.
besides that it has a unique design of art that makes me forget about everything and keep lokiing at it. Finaly, the statue sculptured with unusual design.
"New York City is the largest city in the United States, the home of the United Nations, and also the center of global finance,communications, and business. This is why New York City is among my favorite places. The national monuments,diversity of people, and many attractions, these are all parts of the city I love.
The thing that I appreciate the most about New York City is the statue of liberty, because it serves as a universal symbol of freedom and democracy.
Besides it being a great symbol, its unique style helps me clear my thoughts. Not to mention the statue is captured with an unusual and artful design."
~Usually the thesis is the first sentence in the paper, but I'm not sure if you want it formatted that way.
~Don't say "New York City" in every sentence.
~You don't need to say "First" and "Finally" because it's redundant.
~In the last two sentences of the original paragraph you were redundant when you wrote about the "unique design of art" and "sculptured with unusual design". You are talking about the same things and it becomes repetitive.
~"New York City is unusual among cities because of its high residential density. " Doesn't seem nessecary for your topic.
*Talk more about the things that set New York City apart from other cities. Elaborate on them like you did with the Statue of Liberty.
*When you write a thesis it is a summary or idea of your paper, so you want to cover the topics in that sentence. This includes the diversity of people and the attractions. You already covered national monuments, but you need to talk more about the Statue of Liberty. Try giving a brief history of the monument for the people that don't know much about it.
*And remember to avoid using "First", "Second", and "Finally.
*Try to write an outline your whole paper before you continue:
I. Opening Statement including the thesis
*Remember it's usually the first sentence in a paper.
II. The first main point of your paper (i.e. The National Monuments)
III. The second main point (Diversity of people)
IV. The final main point (Attractions)
V. The conclusion
*Don't start the conclusion with "In conclusion..." it's redundant.
Each roman numeral can be either just a paragraph or a couple paragraphs depending on how much you want to elaborate on your topic.
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