http://www.adamsavenuedesign.com/poem-pendant/
What do you think of my poem? I need harsh opinions!?
I need your opinions(harsh!) on how I can fix this poem. Please, I am reading it to many! And an overall opinion is appreciated too. Thanks in advance.
A simple deed:
Pick up some milk,
From the market,
Beloved pendant upon my neck.
A dark road.
A myriad of cars.
Sudden screeches and screams.
All that is seen,
Is a bright light.
Now here I am,
But where is "here?"
My vacant home.
How did I arrive?
Oh, my pendant.
My turquoise fairy,
Kneeling by a burning fire,
Translucent like diamonds.
Slightly misplaced.
Hadn't it been hung,
Around my neck?
In the distance,
My eyes spot a glow,
My pendant is seen,
On a stone,
A tombstone,
With my name inscribed.
My arm stretches,
To feel this cold stone,
And obtain my pendant.
Nothing seems to move,
Not the dust,
Nor the pendant,
Am I dissipating,
Into my tomb?
Have I spoken a goodbye,
But just heard silence?
I find this poem very disturbing. If your intention is to reflect a kind of empty despair and death you have done a righteous job and I would not change a thing but I for one really like a happy ending and to uplift, so after a long pause when you read it...one final verse
.
No! I hear a pounding
I feel a warmth in my hand
As it clutches at my heart
My pendant is under it
Warmed by my body.
I might call your poem A Second Chance, or perhaps even end it with "a second chance" if you use this or a comparable ending. It depends on what you like and the effect you want your poem to have on those who hear it. It's up to you but feel free to use any of this if you wish. I might use fairy rather than pendant in the second to last line, it depends on how that makes you feel.
Good luck. It's good either way, just quite chilling if left alone.
MJOLNIR ROCK PENDANT GOTHIC ATRIBUTES JOKER-STUDIO.com
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